


Thinking

by we_all_fall



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel (Supernatural) Needs a Hug, Crying Castiel, Introspective Castiel, M/M, Unrequited Castiel/Dean Winchester, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 10:07:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16324190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_all_fall/pseuds/we_all_fall
Summary: Dean loudly declares his hatred for angels one too many times, and Castiel runs off to think painful thoughts by himself. Just an angsty one-shot I scribbled down. I've never written destiel before, so I hope it's not too bad.





	Thinking

The sky was a dull grey. There was a feeling in the air, a constraining, building one, as if the air were just on the edge of exploding. Thunderclouds were building up, and a harsh storm was right on the edge of beginning. 

Castiel felt claustrophobic. His throat was tight, and the moisture in the air made it hard to breathe. Not that he needed air, breathing was just a comforting habit he’d picked up over his long acquaintance with humans. But the low clouds felt like they were closing in on him. The neatly trimmed grass in the treeless park irrationally made the trapped feeling worse. He should’ve felt like he could run away anywhere, not horrifically exposed without being able to move. He couldn’t get his legs to work. They were shaking too much. 

He pressed his eyes closed for a moment and tried to rationalize his situation. Dean hated angels. It shouldn’t matter. It didn’t. Castiel knew how much other angels and he himself had hurt Dean over the years. He could understand Dean’s point of view, but it didn’t help the pain in his chest or the stinging in his eyes. It wasn’t even like Dean had said he hated Castiel. He didn’t. Dean had just blanket stated that he hated angels. And Hell, it hurt. Because Castiel was an angel. He hadn’t chosen it, he wasn’t naturally evil because of it, it wasn’t a bad thing, it wasn’t a good thing, it just was. And Dean hated him for it. 

Dean was Castiel’s closest friend and longtime crush. He knew Dean could never like him back, and it didn’t even bother him anymore. It was just part of their relationship that Cass loved Dean, who didn't feel the same. Dean didn’t appear to understand the significance of Cass literally falling for him. He’d given up everything, and it wasn’t for humanity or because he believed it was right. Those had played a part, but it was Dean that Castiel had given up heaven and all his family for. There was no greater motivation than love. But Dean could never return Cass' love. Dean wasn’t gay, and he had a definite type. Tall, pretty girls(ideally blond) with pronounced, voluptuous breasts. He didn’t even stay away from angels. He’d slept with Anna and dreamed of her several times afterward; he’d seemed to like her a lot. But not only was Anna’s vessel female, she was confident and had social skills and so many things Castiel couldn’t comprehend. Even if he took a female vessel instead of Jimmy, Dean didn’t want a blushing, uncertain barely-not-a-virgin. He’d specified that he only liked experienced women, something Cass could never be. 

Did Castiel get the whole gender thing? No. He was gender blind and utterly confused when it came to romantic relationships. He didn’t get it, but there was obviously something there. Dean’s dad had frequently yelled at random people on the street who ‘looked gay’ though Castiel had never gotten the point. And Dean admired and thought like his father. 

Sam didn’t. Cass had happened to notice the archangel Gabriel hanging around Sam a lot, and- uh, yeah. They were pretty obvious whenever Dean wasn’t there, and sometimes even when he was. Dean was oblivious to his brother’s love life, and his human senses were weak enough that he could avoid hearing things. Castiel’s keener-than-human hearing had picked up on some stuff he didn’t want to hear, and sometimes he really wanted brain bleach to work on angels. 

But that wasn’t what Castiel had driven to the park to think about. Dean had said he hated angels, again. And he hadn’t even bothered to tack on his usual “not Cass,” as an afterthought. It still hurt when Dean insulted Castiel’s species in general, but he’d just used a blanket insult this time. Dean had just included Castiel in the group Dean hated. And it was just too much. Castiel wasn’t being dramatic or anything, he’d just gotten sick of being constantly put down because he had burnt off wings and his eyes lit up blue sometimes. So he was quitting. He was sorry about whatever end of the world the Winchesters would have to face without him, but they had handled all the other ones with Cass’ less than helpful help. They didn’t need him. He couldn’t do anything, he was just a useless idiot who used up Dean’s precious time. 

Castiel wasn’t much for ceremony, so he just left. Dean could pray for an explanation if he needed one, and Cass might even give him one if he actually sounded sincere. But Dean was probably too busy snogging his newest flame to bother sparing Castiel a thought. It might be days before he noticed Castiel was even gone. 

Castiel’s eyes stung. He wasn’t sure what was wrong with him. His breaths were shallow and his hands were trembling for no apparent reason. Moisture collected in the edge of his eye, and he wiped it away furiously. He was not crying about something as stupid as whether Dean Winchester cared about him or not. It wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. A tear slid down Cass’ cheek, and he was powerless to stop it. He choked on the tense air, and he suddenly found he was dizzy. It was like the field was spinning around him. He realized he’d stopped breathing and his grace was malfunctioning from grief and not automatically replenishing his oxygen supply, but he didn’t know what to do about it. His tear streaked face turned pale blue, and his legs got weak.

Castiel fell to the ground in a faint.


End file.
